The Window of Tolerance: Widening the Window

Life is filled with challenges, both large and small. Have you ever wondered how some people manage to navigate even the most challenging circumstances in a calm and collected manner while other people crumble at the slightest inconvenience? The Window of Tolerance is a construct proposed by Dr. Dan Siegel to explain nervous system activation and why some people can cope with challenges while other people have a more difficult time.

Consider an average day, inevitably annoyances happen. You run out of cream for your coffee, the kids are slow getting ready, someone cuts you off in traffic, your boss reprimands you, someone eats your lunch from the fridge. The possibilities for annoyances go on and on.

Your window of tolerance is the zone where you are able to experience challenges and still cope. The wider your window of tolerance, the greater range of challenges you can manage. The narrower your window of tolerance the less likely you can handle day-to-day challenges.

Meet Sally. She has a wide window of tolerance. She gets up to her alarm and gets out of bed. As she is walking down the hallway, steps in a puddle of pee that her little dog left on the floor. Her nervous system activation rises, she is annoyed, but she takes a deep breath, gets some paper towel, and wipes it up. Her nervous system activation returns to a regulated state. She goes to the fridge and finds that she has run out of cream for her coffee. Her nervous system activation rises. She takes a deep breath and tells herself” That’s okay I’ll just use milk instead. It will be fine.” Her nervous system activation returns to baseline. She gets in her car and on her way to work the traffic is particularly busy and she must wait for several lights to make a left-hand turn. She is going to be late. Her nervous system activation rises, she takes a deep breath and sings along to a song on the radio (loudly and out of tune). Her nervous system activation returns to baseline. On a typical day, before Sally even makes it to work her nervous system has had a workout, but she is able to cope with the challenges and has arrived at work ready to face her day because she has a wide window of tolerance.

Now let’s consider Bob. He has a narrow window of tolerance. How will he react to the same challenges as Sally? He gets out of bed and steps in the same puddle. He yells and swears at the dog. He stomps down the hallway muttering under his breath. He is angry. His nervous system is activated. He opens the fridge to find out that there is no cream. He slams the fridge shut and yells at his partner. How dare they use the last of the cream and not replace it? Everything is against him today! His nervous system activation climbs even higher. He leaves the house with his dog cowering in the corner and his partner crying and heads off to work. The traffic is busy, and Bob is caught waiting right behind Sally for the same left-hand turn, but while she is singing, he is engaging in a particularly enthusiastic display of road rage. His face red, spittle spraying from his mouth as he shouts and swears, fists pounding on the steering wheel. Bob arrives at work angry and ready to fight anyone who crosses his path. Bob is no longer able to cope. He is outside of his narrow window of tolerance.

Given the same challenges, Bob and Sally have very different experiences. Sally’s wide window of tolerance helps her cope with life’s challenges, while Bob’s narrow window of tolerance results in his nervous system experiencing higher and higher activation.

Think about your nervous system activation and how you react. Are you like Bob or Sally or somewhere in between? Would you like to widen your window of tolerance but aren’t sure how to go about it? There is no quick fix to widening your window of tolerance. You have spent your whole life reinforcing your reactions to perceived negative events. Your reactions may at first glance appear automatic. You might put it down to your personality saying “I am just hot headed” or you may blame genetics “I come from a long line of angry people. I was born angry. I have no control over my reactions.” Viktor Frankl, Auschwitz survivor, founder of the psychological theory of logotherapy, and author of “Man’s Search for Meaning” has a profound quote which disagrees with this deterministic attitude. He says “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth.”

The first step in widening your window of tolerance is to notice your nervous system activation and your current reactions to it. In order to make any changes you have to be aware of what is going on right here, right now. When you start to really take note of how you are acting in response to stimuli, you may be surprised to notice that there is a space where you can choose your course of action. This space gives you the freedom to chart your own course and gives you power over your emotions.

One way to get to know your nervous system is by doing regular check-ins. Several times a day check-in with yourself by asking the following questions. On a scale of 1-10 what is my nervous system activation right now? With a ten being out of control fear, anger, or anxiety, a 5 being a comfortable level of nervous system activation and a 1 being really low activation, possibly depression. How does my body feel? Do I have any pain, tension, or uncomfortable feelings or am I relaxed and feeling fine? How is my mood? Am I feeling happy, sad or angry? Are my thoughts causing me any discomfort or distress, or am I thinking positively at this time?  Doing regular check ins allows you to better know yourself, your nervous system, your body, your thoughts and your emotions. When you are aware of how you are feeling, mind, body and emotions then you are better able to give yourself what you need to feel better. If you forget to perform your check ins you may wish to set a timer on your phone or connect check ins to something that you do regularly. For example you may want to perform a check in when you wash your hands.

Some people find journaling to be a great way to slow down and reflect. As you journal, I invite you to describe your window of tolerance. You may want to be literal and analytical, or you may wish to use metaphor and escribe your window of tolerance as an animal or a natural phenomenon. I would be very interested in hearing your metaphors. If you would like to share, please use the comment section below to input your observations.